Punch-Drunk Love

Teardrop.

2005-08-11T17:04:00.000+10:00

I hate feeling depressed all the time for seemingly no reason.
I hate doctors.
I hate medication.
I hate psychology/psychiatry.
I hate being me.

FUUUUCCK!
Sometimes I just can't keep all the pain and anguish in.

2005-02-04T00:57:00.000+11:00

Is everyone going to end up thinking I'm weird?
I admit, sometimes I say and do some real stupid or crazy things but I don't regret them.
Matt knew I'd get on here, I can't help myself.
It hurts me sooooooooooooo much that instead of trying to understand the things I do and why I do them he just judged me and said I was stupid and naive. He told me that if I wanted to feel real pain I ought to go to Kenya or something. Dude, I know what goes on which is why I sponsor a boy there. I know the pain he feels.
But I also know the pain I feel. All the things people have done to me cut me up inside, which is why I try to create happy memories.
I am lucky that I have a house and food and water and education. I appreciate these things.
I am trying to get over the pain I still feel but I lapse every now and again, like on Boxing Day. I remember all the family moments I have had.
Yes, cutting myself is not going to make my pain go away but I did it and I felt good after it. That doesn't mean that I'm going to do it all the time.
I wanted to say to Matt: "Has your Mum ever bashed you, slit her wrists in front of you, spat on you, thrown glasses at you so you end up at the hospital and so much more? Have you ever been too scared to go home after school in case your Mum had been drinking already? Has your brother ever tried to slit your throat? Has your brother and sister ever backed you into a corner and just kicked at you till they got bored? Has your step-dad broken in through your bedroom window at 1am to bash your mother? Have you ever heard your mother getting raped? How many times have the police come around to your house? And that's not the half of it. You know nothing." It hurts so much thinking about these things, it's like I am getting dragged through the pain all over again.
He ended up saying sorry and that he was too harsh in a text.
I can't be friends with someone who expects me to be perfect and makes me cry because I am not. How can he ask so much of me?
Truth is, when someone says sorry to me I like to forgive them. I always forgive them when they say sorry but I'd already sent the text in response to his first when Amy rang me with his second. He's tells me I'm indecisive - I said it too - but I don't want him to say it to me like he did last time, it was meant as such a trenchant criticism.
He hurt me so that I can no longer feel the way I felt once. But that does not change my perception of the time we had together: that time was fun; it was a happy memory to add to the bank.

2005-01-30T18:34:00.000+11:00

ME (in no particular order)

I try hard to create new happy memories. I know that the bad ones will never go away.

At the moment, and for a while now, I don't want a boyfriend. Amy thinks I'm weird, she doesn't understand.

The doctors thought I was deaf when I was a toddler. I've had six operations from the age of 3 until I was 6 - four sets of grommets, my adnoids out and my tonsils out. I snore. Not always. But at times it can sound like thunder, or so I've been told. I have balance problems. I have a tendency to crash into walls and doorways. I couldn't ride a bike up until I was 12.

I like to be on my own. I like to watch movies on my on - be it watching DVD's on the couch or going to the cinema. I like to walk alone. I like to walk through suburbia alone. I like to walk through crowded cities alone. I like to keep my anonymity. I crave for human affection just not 24/7.

I broke both my collar bones when I was about 4. I was jumping on the couch as if it were a trampoline. My bad balance stopped me from landing nicely. I broke my arm when I was 7. Amy, Tim, Lucy (a friend) and I were jumping off our bunk bed onto a mound of pillows. One time I jumped and just laid there with my arms outspread. Tim jumped not knowing he was to use my right arm as a cushion. My forearm was broken in three places. I have broken toes on numerous occasions.

I had the chicken pox real bad when for almost two months when I was 5. I hated being away from school so much Mum would get worksheets from my teacher each day when she picked Amy up from school.

Every time I made a wish I'd wish for a unicorn.

I have a photographic memory. It allows me to remember scenes from when I was about 1 onwards.

My favourite holiday was when I was almost 5. Mum, my Step-Dad, Amy, Tim and I (along with our 17 year old cat, Lars) camped in the Grampians near Halls Gap for a week.

I was born in a rural city in SA called Murray Bridge. It was named so as it is the place where the first bridge across the Murray River was built. I thought I'd live there for my whole life. We moved to Ballarat when I was 11. I've lived in 14 different houses.

I love thunder and lightning. You haven't seen one till you head north of the Bight.

I have a natural ability for sports. I won too much as a kid, it was too easy, that I was bored with it by my teens.

My Dads pet name for me is Woolly. When I wake up in the morning my hair is all curly and thick like wool and I love to play in my Nan and Pop's wool shed. My Mums pet name for me is a German word that translates to 'Little Love' in English. My Mum named me Tara after the house in Gone with the Wind, her favourite movie. She was thinking of Scarlett like the protagonist but it had negative connotations and Vivien like the actress who portrayed the protagonist but she didn't like the way it sounded with Dobie. She gave me the middle name Lyn because it means 'beautiful' and my Nan's (Dad's Mum) is called Evelyn.

I have a tendency to change my hairs appearance a lot, either by dying or cutting it. I've been everything from a curly blond to a short and short and straight blue-black with blue streaks. Naturally, I have medium brown coloured hair and it would be rather quite curly if I let it.

I had a labret piercing (you may know it as a chin piercing, although it's located below your lip). I took it out partly because it was damaging my teeth but mostly because people no longer saw me, all they saw was a girl with a labret piercing which they associated many negative connotations with it. Now I have my nose pierced on my left side. You barely notice it, some people don't at all. I forget it's there. It's just a tiny clear crystal stud. I pierced my own belly button when I was 13, that was painful. Then I changed my mind and realised belly button piercing were tacky.

I first got drunk when I was 10. I had my first cigarette when I was 9. The first time I stole was when I was 4 - it was stickers that Mum wouldn't buy for me, I wasn't caught. I've stolen much more since then - from clothes to cars - but I will never do it again. It's so not cool, but for a moment I had the things I wanted, but I felt super guilty.

At 13 I was a feral. I wasn't at home much. One time I went 'missing' for three days where no one knew where I was so the police got involved. I didn't hide from them because part of me wanted to be at home in bed asleep. Mum sent me to live with Dad - he lives 45 k's out of Murray Bridge on a 75 acre farm. I stayed for 6 months or so. My step-Mum is of the Cinderella variety. Whilst I was there I was baptised as a born-again Christian and succeeded in Athletics and Soccer. When I returned to Ballarat I forgot both religion and sport but my feral days were over.

I have never done drugs, I have no desire to.

In both Primary and Secondary school I was in the 'smart' programs. I tended not to do mcuh class work or listen to my teachers, but then when I felt like it I'd write an amazing essay or I'd get 95% on a test. They tried to skip me up a grade a few times, I never wanted to though.

When I was about 4, I had 13 stiches in my right heel. The back was sliced off by a corrugated iron gate. Now, I can show you just how little my heel was back then.

I love to get away from the world by climbing up high, generally in a tree, but sometimes I have to settle for the house roof.

My siblings are Timothy Carl (16), Amy Katina(19) and my half sister, Jemima Elizabeth (7). Dad has 5 brothers and 1 sister. Mum has 1 brother, 2 sisters and 1 half sister.

I am not certain about my ancestry. I'm pretty sure that I'm 3rd generation Polish and German, 4th Generation Irish and wither 4th or 5th generation Aboriginal.

It's hard to define my eye colour. I would say they're a blue like the deep sea with golden flecks around the pupil. People are intrigued by my eyes. I suppose they're my favourite physical feature.

I can eat 12 pieces of pizza. I've never had more available to see if I could consume more in one go and I'm not sure I would like to try.

I love the smell of Jasmine and Vanilla.

2005-01-29T18:24:00.000+11:00

Current poll on MSN Today: "Can a democracy work in Iraq?"
How the hell should I know? Who are we to judge? We cannot predict the behaviour of so many people. Especially when they are a group of people whose thoughts we are informed of only by media. It's totally fucked that MSN dares to take such a poll. They are totally oversimplifying the issue. Plus, there are si many different forms of democracy.
The sad thing is not everyone will see how fucked the Q is. People may even think they are in a position to give an opinion. Sad people.

2005-01-25T21:33:00.000+11:00

Is life just a game? What I am really asking, is it wrong for me to think of it as one? Or should I?

My head feels like it is falling out yet I am not conciously thinking.
I am going to Tassie for uni leaving everything I know behind. I hope this process gets easier the more I do it. No, I know, we just get use to the pain.

2005-01-01T03:39:00.000+11:00

Well it is 2005...
Now what did I do to get a good start off to the New Year...
Amy and I ended up on the roof, drinking bad wine, calling peoples, talking, her asking me to confess my secrets (but what was left that was not already common knowledge?). Elise and Joel came from 21 Arms. She cried she could not get onto the roof. We went to Heffs around 11:45pm. Elise sung on Singstar 2. Random boy - might be called Josh - kept sticking his tongue down my throat, so not cool. That is where we spent the New Year! Woo hoo?! Went to Joel's Mum's house. Elise cooked chips, they were good. Played Scene it. Smoked menthol ciggies. Drunk a lot. Joel and I were 'fighting' - socially acceptable groping in front of drunk gilfriend. Had my foot in his lap, massaging his 'sexy' area. I slowly made my way there as to give him ample oppurtunity to stop me. He didn't. Bad Joel.

2004-08-26T18:06:00.000+10:00

I want to see the pain.

Adversity. Good word.

I tried to see the pain but I am weak.

Each day is a struggle yet still a triumph.

2004-08-24T17:46:00.000+10:00

I am incomplete; incapable; useless. Or at least I am feeling that way.

I don't feel as though my skin belongs to me, as if I am in the wrong body, the wrong place. Or perhaps I am not deserving or capable of maintaining such a brain.

I realise that life goes fast.

The more I see the less I know.

I am so fond of other peoples thoughts. It is far too prevalent here and it should not be as this is my thoughts, or at least, that is the intent.

I am feeling quite lost at the moment as there are so many things going on in my life, I just don't know what to do or which direction I ought to take. I just don't know what I want to do.

I hate not knowing. I have always wanted to know everything and I have this innate belief within me that one day I will, I long to.

2004-08-23T14:42:00.000+10:00

I feel like I did once.
I feel all alone.
Like everyone hates me.
I feel like I want to runaway, escape this world around me to find a place where it is okay to be me as no one knows me.
I like my anonymity.

2004-08-22T12:39:00.000+10:00

I hate the way people always victimise themselves when it comes to arguments when I am offering constructive criticism. I want them to change themselves to eliminate faults that will peeve other people too. It will help them live a more productive life, but they don't see it so they get angry. Lame!
People are so lame at times.
I have found two as models. I will seek ones like them as they are not quite right but might do in the meantime.

2004-08-10T23:36:00.000+10:00

I really ought to be sleeping.
But of course I can't! I have boy on my mind!
Sam called me, we talked for like an hour and a half!
He called me to apologise for leaving me alone on Friday!
He might like me, he might just like me as a friend. He might not. I am okay with it. I am just happy that he is interested! I have wanted us to be friends for so long but he thought I had a crush on him so that didn't help.
Sam.

2004-08-02T15:56:00.000+10:00

I guess I've gone and done it. Your love's the killing kind.
I have fallen for him again, but is that his intent? It seems that way... Suggesting a quickie in the toilets. Asking me about all my extra-curriculars. Being in awe of me. Not being embarassed to sit with me. Wanting to sit next to me instead of his friends. Perhaps I am reading too much into it... I guess I will just have to wait and see.

2004-07-26T08:16:00.000+10:00

I remember what i dreamt!

I remember that firstly I was in Ballarat, only it looked like a cross between Sturt St and Bourke St. It was green and lush but it was cold, yet the sun was shining and I felt warm. Anyway I was rejoicing like everyone else as we were no longer on water restictions. We all knew this as the fountains had all burst to life! The giant tap where it falls into a giant sink hole. The one where it looks like a pyramid made up of giant bluestone steps with water cascading down. Anyway, I was walking down the street - I had to be somewhere - and I walked past some asian tourists whom were thinking that we had all gone mad. I said to them that the water restriction were no longer upon us but they didn't get it. I walked down the street and it changed into something like Geelong and Melbourne crossed. I got on a bus but I didn't really want to get on. There was a cute guy sitting there. I was embarassed to get on then straight off again but a group of girls did it so I got off at the next stop. I was walking with Kylie and we were killing time before we had to catch the bus back to Ballarat. We looked in a make-up store and I was checking out eyeshadow. I took too long trying it on and Kylie said we had missed the bus and that we'd have to wait till tomorrow.

2004-07-19T13:23:00.000+10:00

I don't see why people can't just stop and listen and think well shit what I am saying is really hurting this person but instead they just keep adding to the pre-existing pain like they NEED to defend themselves, keep arguing the point for if they stopped and thought about the impact of their actions they would see they had acted wrongly. But no they cannot swallow their pride and say, "Look I didn't intend to hurt you. I didn't realise what effect my words would have on you but now that I do I am sorry."
Pathetic.
He must understand that he will never ever begin to grasp exactly what I have gone through in my short life and am dragged through it all again each day by arseholes like himself.
It is times like these where it is not just my life that I have issues with but existence itself, that is, living.
I like to believe that I do want to live but I do not want my life but I question this statemant when people can be as cruel as he. I ask why...

2004-07-19T00:16:00.000+10:00

Music Makes Me Happy.

I am not feeling depressed. Music is the key.

I am slowly seeing that it does take a concious effort to function in everyday society. Getting along takes time and persistence. I was deluded in thinking that I was one of the unlucky few who just were unable to associate with people, like it was some kind of deformity.

I want so desperately to be loved by that one person that is unconditional, if that even exists, I do not know as I have never experienced such a love. I want love so much that I shy away from even the most minute oppurtunity for fear that I will move too quickly or get my heart crushed.

2004-07-16T19:03:00.000+10:00

It's been a long day.
Amy is no good for me. I try so hard to talk to her but when I say, reasonably, that perhaps she isn't acting in the best way, she makes it into an argument and makes me infuriated and calls me names and chucks labels at me. And she wonders where my inferiority complex stemmed from? She knows about my depression yet remains so inconsiderate and she even uses it against me saying that that's not the normal/right way to think. I don't get it. I have always felt so much less next to her than when I am by myself. She always has to come out on top. I don't get it why she is fighting her sister.
Mary-Clare pretty much wrote her whole letter to me telling me not to be so hard on myself. How can I not? Everyone around me only ever seems to say negative things, no one ever mentions the positive qualities I have, that is, if I posess any.
I want the pain to go away but am too scared to find out how others will perceive me if I ask for help. I am suppose to be together, independent, strong.

I am never speaking up again, it only hurts me.

2004-06-20T15:56:00.000+10:00

La Danse by Henri Matisse

2004-06-20T15:38:00.000+10:00

Black and White, this is me, this is all you'll see

2004-06-20T15:12:00.000+10:00

Life is just a bunch of little challenges rolled into one big one.
I want to talk to Evan. I hate texting people, it's so passe.
I have no one and I want no one. It only makes life more complicated than it has to be.
If I have no one then there is no need to change me. I can do and say and think whatever I please. I can look however I want without feeling the need to impress others or worry what others might think of me.
Relationships are just unnecessary pressure.
I don't understand why people come together and seek this 'together-forever' thing. I just don't get it.
I don't understand why people have this major issue with being alone. Society says that we are social beings and thus it is abnormal not to have the desire, the need to socialise.
I just want to live my life, that's all.
MY LIFE!

2004-06-14T09:57:00.000+10:00

Hmm...
Life is a hard and difficult and confusing matter which is why is makes it so intriguing for me, it is a challenge.
Evan Smart. What should I do about you? I like him a lot. He is gorgeous and so witty. We get along so well and he cares about me, only problem is he lives too far away from me. I fear that he still does look for a girlfriend up there.

so will you keep on falling
till you reach the ground
of your lonely mind
will you ever find yourself again
will you keep on dying
until you've finally found
a better place where you find
you will not wake up again
Falling, Missy Higgins

I just don't know what to with myself.
Do I want to run away?

She's got her ticket
I think she gonna use it
I think she going to fly away
No one should try and stop her
Persuade her with their power
She says that her mind is made
Up

Why not leave why not
Go away
Too much hatred
Corruption and greed
Give your life
And invariably they leave you with
Nothing

Young girl ain't got no chances
No roots to keep her strong
She's shed all pretenses
That someday she'll belong
Some folks call her a runaway
A failure in the race
But she knows where her ticket takes her
She will find her place in the sun

And she'll fly, fly, fly...
She's got her ticket, Tracy Chapman

Do I want to fly? This song always comes back to me.
Tim doesn't want me around. Dad choses Ingrid and Jemima over me. Amy is so ditzy she is so unemotional and inconsiderate.
What would hurt more? Leaving them? Loving them?

2004-05-04T00:19:00.000+10:00

I can't sleep.
Lack of sleep seems to be one of the few reasons to get me on here.
I am thinking about tomorrow because we have netball tryouts and I am thinking that maybe I won't make the team.
Mary Clare has changed. She use to refer to me as 'Madame Tara' now she seems to dred the mere sight of me. Others have noticed the change too.
Then there are the boys.
Well, you know how I was being 'exclusive' with Evan well things just knid of ceased to exist so yeah.
Sam broke up with Wendy and it took me a while to realise that I didn't like him. I got real scared that he thought that I had a crush on him so I kind of weirded the situation. Like today, I ran into Sam down the street with his friend Daniel. I thought Daniel was so cute and so intelligent and I kind of made myself look stupid. Then I freaked out that I had Sam freaked nad that he was eager to leave but he just had to meet his Mum and yeah before I knew this I called him on his mobile and asked what was up. That was a really awkward phone conversation. I made a fool of myself. Daniel probably now thinks that I am a fool.
Oh, and Daniel asked me how old I was and then what year I was in and I got the distinct impression that he found me to be childish; that I acted younger than I was.
The other week I saw this gorgeous guy called Sebastian who I had seen around before with Mayte stuff and I told Cass to say G'Day to him only she never mentioned anything after that.
The bad thing is that I have received 'signals' from all these guys and I am confused as to why they haven't recipricated my advances.
I think I just want a relationship, some one to care and some one to care for.

2004-04-09T22:35:00.000+10:00

I am just too damn emotional, at least thats what Amy thinks. She kept on picking on me because I was getting offended by things that she was saying then she was saying that I was too teste. I got angry at her for being such an inconsiderate cow and so she laughed at me. She doesn't care that what she says hurts me, she just laughs.
I feel so powerless to not be able to control my emotions, or more so, let my emotions get the better of me.
What am I gonna do?

2004-04-07T14:50:00.000+10:00

Poor Evan! He was in a crash at this race meet and was in hospital for a week. I feel bad for getting angry with him and having ill-thoughts of him. He has come back with more love for me than ever.
Guess who is having dinner with the mayor? None other than sweet little Tara. I am so nervous. I am officially freaking out!
"I will love you for as long as you like. I'll hold you for the rest of my life." Paul McCartney
I am so happy, so very happy for I've got love in my life.

2004-04-04T17:42:00.000+10:00

Dude I love Bullet with Butterfly Wings by The Smashing Pumpkins!
I am holidays and I wonder what is on my mind...
I have not heard from Evan since the 20th. On the 15th he said he was going to be gone for two weeks so I am guessing he either doesn't want to write back or isn't back yet.
I have to do masses of homework.
I am hungry for chocolate.
I am suppose to be going to Dam Rock but I don't want to because I don't want to sit alone for 4 hours listening to shitty music. Dave said I don't have to come. He won't talk to me because of me complaining to MJ about him. Luke might not show up and if he does he will be off schmoozing with some superficial private school twats. Tim won't come with me. Amy would if she was here. I rang her. She is good to talk to.
I have to call up Antipodeans tomorrow to get their bank details so I can put the deposit in for the Vietnam trip.
I kind of like Luke in a wayward way.
I won't deny the pain.
No Easter for us. Sarah is going away. Amy and I are too poor. Tim doesn't give a shit. Dad is off somewhere else with his family. No one, nothing.
I still believe.

2004-03-26T00:36:00.000+11:00

I am in a state of lethargy.
I am deeply depressed and cannot bring myself to do anything.
Everyone hates me.
My schoolwork is faultering.
I need to try harder, do better.
I really want to end it all.
Purely due to no one loving me.
I am sad and there is no one to comfort me, there is no part of my life that goes unsffected by the deep pain invested in me.

2004-03-21T16:22:00.000+11:00

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
I wrote a silly, naive, heart-felt email to Evan.
See, it'd all be okay if we were just chatting because then if there were any misunderstandings we could just talk it out.
Tim and I are crazy!
I am so scared of the world...

2004-03-19T18:39:00.000+11:00

I am low. I have been realy busy lately and I will be for a few more weeks!
Evan, oh Evan! What will I ever do with you? If only... He has gone off for two weeks to this bmx race some where. I don't know where. I don't even know where he lives for chrissake! I think its in Queensland...
I have decided that I want to be the youngest and the first female prime minister of Australia. I will do the Bachelor of Western Culture. Then go on and concentrate on my political career. I want to become a member of the Labor Party. I should do that soon.
I have told my literature class and Evan - from the Christian College - that Evan is my boyfriend. I am I wrong to think that it is that serious? I wish he was truly my boyfriend. I mean, he has talked about if he was in Ballarat he would try and get me to be his girlfriend and how he would like to marry some one exactly like me.
He calls me 'baby' and 'sweet lil one' and signs off with 'love'
I hate this not knowing where we stand. I know where I want us to be but I don't know what he wants and I have no means to ask him!
I check my email each day thinking today is the day he will email me telling me he loves and misses me, but as each day passes without these words my heart slowly sinks.

2004-03-15T15:01:00.000+11:00

I would love for Evan to seranade me with the chorus of 'Calico Skies' by Paul McCartney.
If I was to sing to him it would be 'Head over feet' by Alanis Morisette.
Neither of us can sing...

2004-03-15T01:42:00.000+11:00

"Out of the squalid yearnings of my flesh bubbled up the clouds and scum of puberty... so I could not tell the serenity of love from the swamp of lust." St Augustine of Hippo, Confessions (c. AD 400)
St Augustine of Hippo (AD 354-430) believed that sexual desire was a diabolic temptation.

2004-03-15T00:37:00.000+11:00

I like to cheat.

2004-03-15T00:07:00.000+11:00

You know what I would really love? Of course you don't! Lets forget for a second that 'you' is questionable, but how are 'you' to know what I'd really love when I don't even know it myself.
Well, enough dilly-dallying, I would love to swim in a ginormous pool full of freshwater that was 5 meters deep, 50 meters long and 5 meters wide. That would be heaven.

2004-03-15T00:04:00.000+11:00

I like to dance. I like to dance like I am a ballerina. I like to dance like I am a ballerina putting on a show for thousands. I like to dance like I am a ballerina putting on a show for thousands just before I am to die...

2004-03-15T00:03:00.000+11:00

I am writing a novel and I don't give a fuck if it takes freaking 10 years to finish it I am going to write my book.

2004-03-14T14:44:00.000+11:00

I am an awful, awful person!
I dont ever want to get that pissed ever again! And I sure as hell am never touching Sambuca ever again!
I puked all in Mandys toilet and on her chair. I feel so bad! Then I ran away home because some one was banging at the toilet door and I got scared! When Sheena saw me she got upset because she thought my puke was blood! I dont remember much but Shez just filled me in.
I dont know how the hell I ever managed to cross the main road without getting hit!
Tim came after me and walked me home.
I might have cried, I don't know!
I feel terrible! I am so awful!
When I came home I just ripped off my heels, pant and top and hopped into bed and passed out, literally!
I woke up at some time this morning and put my clothes in the wash and grabbed a different pillow as mine was covered in puke! I had to wash all the puke of my face. I drank heaps of water.
I went back to bed but couldn't sleep. I started to hallucinate! It was so scary, I mean seriously scary! They went on for ages! Then I started convulsing and I realised I was going to puke again. I managed to get to the toilet safely and not make a mess.
I am so stupid!
The bad part about it was it wasn't only my close friends at the party, Kim and Roxy were there and they will tell everyone!
I am so ashamed of myself!
Apparently I fell into my puke, no wonder I have so many bruises and scratches!
Stupid, stupid Tara.

2004-03-11T23:08:00.000+11:00

I am so deliciously happy! Evan is utterly consuming! "When you say you love me do you know how I love you" It is unbelievable. I was planning on going out to Jodie and hooking up but now I can't, I don't want to. I only want to kiss Evan. For he has come and landed in my arms and he filled my half empty cup. He is my Peaches and Cream.

Simon gave me the shits real bad tonight. He thinks so little of me it hurts me so much. He doesn't even know me. He mocks me, patronises me thinking that he is better than me that he knows more than me, more things that is worth knowing. He was harping on about him not being worthy of my time in relation to so bullshit I had written that doesn't even relate to him, but he made me feel as though I was no longer worthy of him. He made me feel as though I was not good enough anymore, that I have become less of a person.

2004-03-09T22:30:00.000+11:00

Mr. Curry is so pathetic. He tells me to be nice when I ask, legitimately, if Belinda had indeed read the book. He grunts at me to be pleasant when I tell Shae that she, evidntly, doesn't understand what I am trying to say. I was right to say these things. Belinda lacked the knowledge to show that she had read the book and Shae did not understand me.
Shae and Roxane had been sitting there bitching about me, or at least attempting to, as soon as they entered the room. Apparently I have a pole up my arse.
Mr. Curry is a weakling who takes the easy way out by picking on me rather than stopping those who are causing real harm.
Funny how he said nothing when Shae mentioned something of the protagonist covering himself with shit, like as if anyone wopul, she thought, and Clinton thought she would. Mr. Curry said nothing of that.
When I enetered the methods room after recess the room was silent till Scott said speaking of the devil and how he was right to say devil. As if I aren't already isolated enough in that room. Mr. Porter was in the room the whole time when they were speaking of me and I am sure he did nothing for it.
I have no friends at school. I am the vunerable, lone jew in a concentration camp.
I am thinking that the intoxicated man on the tram had the right idea. That saddens me.

2004-03-09T00:30:00.000+11:00

"Do not adjust your mind there is no fault in reality."
These are the words that were scrawled onto the hand of the drunk and drugged guy sitting opposite me on a tram.
Is the intelliegence in his words a concious one?

And there I was just sitting there with Aristotles words scribbled down, "Change in all things is sweet."
I'm not even sure I understand those words.

Who is greater?

2004-03-09T00:21:00.000+11:00

Hmm...
Its been an age since I've you...
I stayed in Melbourne on for the long weekend with Amy. It was so cool. We went to the Moomba festival Birdman Rally, Melbourne museum and to see Spanish Apartment. It was so cool!
There are so many cute guys in Melbourne! And there are hot guys who will pick me up!
I am to wait till I move there next year to find a new guy. No one in Ballarat seems to be up to my 'standard'.

2004-02-03T18:53:00.000+11:00

I now have had all of my subjects, bar specialist, but that doesn't count because I am doing it by correspondence anyway.
Aaron is a bastard through and through and that is all anyone need ever know.
My 'sperm donor' is an utter cunt! Amy didn't have any money for her enrolment fee or something and so Dad paid for it and now he expects for her to pay it all back! Damn him! He knows how much she is already stressing about money and that she will be a poor uni student and then he does this shit! He told her to give me my birthday money from him out of her pocket. I can't take it, she has so little money, he is such a cunt!
I don't like anyone and I don't wish to. I am sick of boys who just go out with girls because the girl likes them. I want a boy to ask me out. I want him to be worthy of me. I always go for boys that I think I can get, who I think are in some way lesser than me.
I think I am pretty, not gorgeous but pretty. My new hairstyle and colour really do suit me.

2004-01-28T19:15:00.000+11:00

Chica-chi!
Hello!
I love everyone!
I am going back to school tomorrow and I am excited!
Hmm... Aaron isn't calling me back, Amy says that I should wait a little longer. I will call him Thursday, that's a little longer.
I don't know if I like him and I want an oppurtunity to find out.
I got my hair cut and dyed!
It looks so cool!
It is very me!

2004-01-26T21:49:00.000+11:00

At the moment I have that Madonna and Britney song, I love my pop roots!
I love Madonna!
Tomorrow I get paid, tomorrow I shall send my message to Aaron to plead for his forgiveness. In that message I have lost all pride and gotten raw and if he rejects that I want to kick him in the balls.
I am still 'hating' Jeremy for liking me. I want to call him and talk, like normal.
Dad is driving over on Thursday but he is staying in a motel instead of at our house. It was his birthday today. Amy and I sent him a message but Tim didn't and when Dad tried calling Tims mobile it said it was busy, in other words, Tim cancelled the call!
Tim is so selfish, he is going to fuck up his life and it saddens me that I can't do anything about that. I have to show him love, unconditionally, that is his only hope.
Met this guy on espin the bottle. He is cool. We are so alike we freak each other out! We both are into communism. I love its sense of equality that abolishes the want for power that our society holds.
At the moment I am leaning towards Aaron, but then again he is absent from my life so how can I make that decision?!
Franky T and me, what will we ever do?
He never emails me and I constantly crack the shits with him, but then again, wouldn't you? If some chick that you really liked offered to save all her pennies just to come and see you would you be happy?
Bastard!
I am crapping on, I am tired, perhaps I will actually fall asleep when I want to tonight.
Queer as Folk will be on soon! I love that show! I love all the guys! I love Hal Sparks! Amy and I watched the behind the scenes show and he was awesome, to die for!

2004-01-24T23:24:00.000+11:00

I am so infuriated! I think I think too much about every little thing maybe I shouldn't take everything so seriously and think that that much thought should be put into it or perhaps I should just stop living an idle life and keep busy then I won't have all this extra time to fret about all the little things in life!
I don't wnat to let Amy and Tim get to me the way they do, always picking on me about every little thing. I stress out about there not being any school snacks when it comes time for school but really we'll cope and we will probably have some then too, I should just enjoy what I have now and not worry.
I worry about Amys future what shes going to do at uni and where it may take her. I dont fucking know why, she can make her own decisions, she will be fine and if shes not then we will worry about it if it happens.
I think perhaps I care too much.
Craig sent me an sms about a quarter of an hour ago saying that, "Ur Mum has been badly hurt."
Seriously, my heart tells me to call him and ask whats wrong and for me to try and get to her but my head tells me I am looking for my own demise should I follow my heart, nothing but pain, it is the life she has made for herself and she is the only one who should have to live it, I need not suffer for her ill-made decisions. If she is in my life it is two lives lost, if she is alone it is only one.
I have to deal with the suffering I put upon myself by not helping her as I know that they are nothing compared to what could be.
I am a bleeding heart!

2004-01-24T08:15:00.000+11:00

I really ought to stop trying to make decisions now

2004-01-24T06:25:00.000+11:00

I just think to myself, "I can do better."
I feel right yet wrong in that thought.
Then sun is coming up.
Daylight.

2004-01-24T06:22:00.000+11:00

I thought Jeremy was my best friend but he wants more and thats not a best friend!
I wish I was ignorant so that I could just call him up anytime and say hey for hours, but now I can't because I may give him the wrong impression.
I don't even want to reply to Wills email.
I want to forget I ever got it.
But I can so I will collect my thoughts over the next fews days and try and assemble a reply...

2004-01-24T06:09:00.000+11:00

If I wasn't so deliriously tired I would really be crying now!
I don't want boys to love me!
I wish they'd stop falling for me!
I hate it!
I don't want the attention any more!
Jeremy likes me! He said he doesn't want Aaron to come to my party because he'd be jealous!
Will likes me! He said that he doesn't have to look any more!
Aaron likes me! He wanted me to be his girlfriend after one night!
Evan likes me! He was just meant to my friend!
It's not fair!
I don't want to have a party any more!
Boys are bad!
Why can't I just have friends?Why can't they understand I just want to be their friend?
I don't want a commitment this year!
I am suppose to be committed to my friends and study, NOT BOYS!
Maybe none of these boys are right for me?
They aren't cute enough for one and are no way romantic!
I romanticise every aspect of my life!
I suppose in some way I am cute!
I want some one like me!
Not an opposite!
I like being nice to people and I am sick of it getting misinterpreted as something else!
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING OTHER THAN FRIENDS!
But I hate hurting peoples feelings!
Since I told Aaron that I didn't want to go on a date with him I have felt so guilty!
I want someone EXACTLY like me!

2004-01-22T16:05:00.000+11:00

I want to have a best friend. Some one I can call up and talk to whenever, no matter the time or situation they are always willing to listen.
I want to call Jeremy.
I have to talk about my party. I don't know exactly what I am doing. I figure I'll have a small party like thing in the shed with music going, there will be alcohol. I want to invite Jess, Jeremy, Stacey, Luke, Tim, Sheena and I am thinking of maybe inviting Aaron but maybe that is just because I liked Tims party and I want to duplicate it. I can have everyone sleeping over if I want them too, although, since Sarah will be here I will have to separate boys and girls - I have to keep Stacey away from Luke so they aren't having sex!
I hope Jess will be okay with me not inviting Kylie and Sarah, I think she'll understand my reasoning behind it. I haven't spoken to them all holidays and they are superficial friends any way.
I like monster men! <== I loved singing along to that song in the car when I was little!
It is official: Franky doesn't care about me! I am set free! He hasn't emailed me in so long and we are never online at the same time so I haven't chatted to him either.
I haven't spoken to Jess in ages and I have written her two messages and she hasn't replied to either, I don't know what's going on, I may have to call her!
Amy chipped her tooth off, well, she did that when we were younger but the fake replacement has fallen off and she can't get into the dentist until Febuary 3rd! She is vowing not to step out of the house until then except on the 30th because she has to enrol in university. We were suppose to be going shopping afterwards but I don't think she'll want to now! I am upset for her but I am not allowing myself to be selfish and harass her to go shopping because that would be bad! But I still want her to come, I don't care if her tooth is chipped! But she does and I have to respect that... I will have to ask Jess and/or Jeremy to go with me instead on the Wednesday before school!

2004-01-21T18:20:00.000+11:00

Hmm... the internet hasn't been working since Thursday.
I didn't go to Funship today because I wasn't sure that it was on, Dave should've called us to confirm, I presumed he would.
Will, hmm Will... he just emailed me and has said all the right things, showing is insecurities and his want and interest for me. He wants to meet, perhaps, but that utterly freaks me out! I am such a coward when it comes to new guys thats why I always take the safe option of going with guys I already pretty much know.
Oh! Tim E's party was on Saturday and I hooked up with Aaron, Kirsty Wakefields ex. He has an awesome body. He asked for my number, I gave it to him, how could I say no? Then he called me and smsed me and we had arranged to go to the movies but then I pulled out saying that I wasn't looking for anything and that I didn't expect it to go any further than the party. He said that it was okay and that girlfriends are too much hassel. I felt so bad! He wanted it to go further, perhaps he even liked me! Oh gosh, I am a bitch! I feel so bad! But really, I don't want a relationship, my priorities this year are suppose to be friends and school, NOT BOYS! But I really wouldn't mind fucking him, he had such a nice body! I feel so bad!
Amy said if she was to marry anyone right now it would be Ben Marshall. If I had to marry some one right now I would marry Jeremy, he is just so cool! We have so much in common and get along really well. He is so funny. He likes '10 things I Hate About You' and quotes it around me because he knows I like it.
See, that last paragraph is me trying to figure out if my feelings for Jeremy are more than just friendship. I am confused!
He might like me, I just don't know!
'Otto, that's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while.'
Got to finish my homework! I am picking up the rest of my texts tomorrow from school. Cripes! I really do have to finish it!
I can't wait to start back at school, it's my last year then off to university!
I like the routine that school brings, it keeps me busy and motivated to stay on track!
I am spastic!

2004-01-15T22:11:00.000+11:00

My tempermental nature is really giving me the shits! I keep on going on and off the Canada thing thinking that Franky doesn't like me.
Tim E has got the internet!
I feel left out in that circle of friends. They go to the movies and stuff together all the time and call each other.
Nobody calls me. Except Jess but we've been through so much, she's my best friend. I should stop being greedy! I should stop keeping people at arms length, although I am super friendly I don't really let people be my friend. My bad!
I'm not sure what I will do about Jeremy. We go from a Dawson and Joey relationship to us not being able to be around each other. Do I want to bother with that any more? If anything is going to happen to continue our friendship I want him to do it because I want to be sure he wants to be my friend! I can't wait to see Evan and Ryan again, I miss them so much. I mean sure I've seen Evan a little but not enough! That are such great guys!

2004-01-15T08:26:00.000+11:00

I am so freaking tired!
I went to bed last night at a reasonably decent hour (12:15) but I couldn't get to sleep and after a while I got up in frustration only to find Amy and Tim awake still, on the computer and talking. I joined them and when they eventually went to bed I hopped on the computer no getting off till fourish. It still took a fair while before I was in a slumber only to be awoken by the central heating blasting, I was boiling! Now, I am here, typing on this, hoping that François will not be 'Away' much longer.
As I read more of 'Pride and Prejudice' I get more obsessed and the more I become obsessed with François. Why are these seemingly unrelated matters dependent upon the other? The book is of not only pride and prejudice but also the difficulties of love. François and I have a very difficult love, so difficult he doesn't even know it exists!
Anyways, why couldn't I sleep? Busy thinking of François because of the book, planning my trip to Canada, you know just the usual stuff.
Coffee is good!
I can't wait to get back to school!
I really ought to finish that holiday homework before the holidays end...

2004-01-14T22:07:00.000+11:00

Perhaps if I don't end up going to Canada I could go some where else that is warm rather than spending it all on meaningless shite...

2004-01-14T21:56:00.000+11:00

"People who've had happy childhoods are wonderful, but they're bland... An
unhappy childhood compels you to use your imagination to create a world in which
you can be happy. Use your old grief. That's the gift you're given."
-- Baron Patrick Maynard Stuart Blackett (1897-1974), British physicist

"You may search my time-worn face, You'll find a merry eye that twinkles I am
NOT an old lady Just a little girl with wrinkles."
-- Edythe E. Bregnard

2004-01-14T21:11:00.000+11:00

Every time I talk to François the want to be closer to him increases, it is becoming unbearable. I think I will save to go to Canada. I will get there some how, some day. Even if this turns sour later on in the year I will have a couple of thousand for something else, I'm sure it would come in handy. I am going to have to think of some way that I can come up with some more money though. Love is the only thing that can force me to stick to a budget because when you have love you are never poor.

I MUST PERSERVERE!

Tim has been watching Donnie Darko for less then five minutes now and he says, "I love this movie!" All because they were swearing and fighting. I wish he didn't have such a negative outlook on life.

2004-01-14T12:58:00.000+11:00

I was suppose to go see 'Love Actually' today but was far too tired to go. I was going by myself so I didn't let anyone down. I adore Colin Firth. I think I want to see that movie because I am reading 'Pride and Prejudice' and adore Mr. Darcy, whom Colin Firth played in the mini series. Yes, I am still obsessing over that novel!
I am in a state of confusion: I am not sure if I want to continue talking to the other guys from hot or not now that I have proclaimed my 'love' for François. I use the term 'love' lightly, but I am as much in love as one can be in our situation. Also, Will from Melbourne emails me but I am not sure about him, or Kazuya from Perth.
This dilemma comes back to the one I fear most: that I am unsure as to whether I am mature enough of having a boyfriend older than me or, more so, one whilst I am still in high school as there is a big leap from high school to university. I think this is why I delay my responses to Will as he is so close it's tangible and that scares me a little.

I always wondered whether anyone actually reads this but now I am quite sure that no one does. Sometimes I wish François would and other times I believe that Simon does. Really how can I be sure unless they say so, but who would admit to reading some ones diary. I would. But then again I have to remind myself, as people always do, 'Not everyone is as strong or has as much courage as you, Tara.' Bollocks, I say to that. Everyone has it in them it's just the harder way and people are blooming lazy!

2004-01-13T12:40:00.000+11:00

Nobody has email me back (and they should have) so I have to resort to writing to myself!
Last night I couldn't be bothered to get up just to write a diary entry on the computer, instead I wrote it down in my notebook. Last nights' - or this mornings - entry is as follows:

'Dear Diary,
I am quite pleased in being kept awake - 2 am, utterly consumed with love. I have been reading 'Pride and Prejudice' and I now realise how foolish I was to decide now, when my life is full of love, that I won't need or want it in the future. I've always wanted love, it's all I really want from life. In '21st Century Goddess' they say that one should listen to the songs of ones subconcious. After talking to François I had "It's never too late, too late to Stop, Look, Listen to your heart, hear what its says." My heart tells me to grab love where it can be found but my head tells me to be realistic. I don't want to be realistic anymore, I'm tired of it. I'm not sure what I should do in order to meet François. His advancements towards me have strengthened and increased when I gave him a Hobson's choice. He now has gone on to say that I'd be a great girlfriend and he's suggested that one of us should go on an exchange and he talks of flying here someday in almost every conversation. "I think I love him so what am I so afraid of?" I am afraid of rejection, that it won't work out between us and it will all be a waste of time and effort. But am I not more so scared of him finding another and never risking my heart, always wondering, 'What if?' I don't want that when there is the possibility of love.
Then there is the matter of Brett Pemberton. Do I love him, in fact? I think I cannot love some one unless I feel something in return. I don't love Brett. I want François. He is what I want. But do I want to sacrifice the luxuries of life for a trip to see him? Can I control myself? If I can't my feelings musn't be as strong as I delluded myself for them to be.
[In 'Pride and Prejudice',] Mr Darcy says to the evermost surprised Elizabeth, 'In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.' I think of this to be the same as mine should be to François. Forever, xxx.'

How easily did I get over Brett? He must be so insignificant! I think I am scared François does not feel as strongly as I do. Like Jane is unsure of Bingley's feelings and they have their distance between them, not nearly as much as François and I but when in love any distance is too far.
It's amazing how a little bit of affection can so easily change my tune.
Oh heck! I just realised that I wrote more on the other side of the page and I musn't have remembered as it's on a different topic. Well the rest of my entry read as follows:

'For some reason incomprehensible to I, I do not hate my father like my siblings do and like I should after his display [or should I say lack of?] at Southend, instead I feel more for him now than I ever have. I feel a closeness to him, for some innate reason. I feel like he is a true friend. I think perhaps I have grown, grown beyond the niave wish that he will be my father. He will never be a father to me, he never has and I have come to realise he never will because he doesn't want it [or he doesn't know how]. I enjoy our friendship more than I ever have when I pined over the thought that one day I should have a Daddy, one that I can love, but life doesn't work like that. I am grateful that I have the 'father' that I do. I am lucky.'

I am seriously going crazy! Since I have taken the outlook on life I had at the start of last year, I have felt this tranquility within me. It's beautiful!

2004-01-10T09:22:00.000+11:00

I am wondering when François will ever have time for me? "If not now, then when? A love declared for days to come is as good as none." -Tracy Chapman
Give up Tara! All my feelings will go away when the rush of school returns...
School, eh? I am already frantic and I don't start back for another 19 days! On Tuesday Amy and I are going into the city because I want a new school bag and I need a new skirt/pant because our first two days are casual and if I have any money left over I will buy a pair of ballet-like shoes.
I have to dye my hair, I am so sick of being blond! I am going to dye it a light brown.
I am contemplating whether I wan't to wear make-up and make an effort with that kind of stuff this year or if I should just do au naturale!
Crazy I am!

2004-01-10T04:57:00.000+11:00

OH... I forgot to mention something before... I electrocuted myself something massive... pain...

2004-01-10T02:08:00.000+11:00

Damn! I didn't realise how much I loved music till tonight!
See, I am staying up by myself watching Rage and everything is so true to the heart, no matter the feeling it's trying to express these songs are brilliant.
I mean, I never thought I'd ever like Metallica but I heard 'The Unnamed Feeling' tonight and I am an absolute convert!
The Cat Empire are such a suave band I hope we can get them for Sonica!
And I hate to say it, but Mr. Hartmann was right, John Butler Trio are way cool!
I will never listen to Amy when we are talking about music, she hates just about anything decent!
Red Hot Chili Peppers are really sucking! They have sold out big time! Bore!
A band to listen out for Tara: Asian Dub Association

On another note, I want to have an affair with Brett Pemberton. We are so much alike and no one else could ever tolerate me, I am so fucked, so I figure he can't hate himself that much!

NEED TO BUY MY PIANO! LONGING TO PLAY!

So fucking high! All because of the music, it's driving me crazy! Not that I wasn't before...

I love dancing! Especially like a spastic! Not literally, just all free 'n' stuff...just letting the music take you to places that you never been before...

I think I shall stay up all night listening to music and stuff.

I wish that darn François would email me because I am addicted, he is such a tease, I want to swallow him whole!

2004-01-09T13:14:00.000+11:00

I know I say my favourite word is 'onion' due to it's beauty and pronunciation, but I have just become aware that there is another word that matches, if not surpasses, it: annihilate. It is ironic: it has the beauty and uniqueness of onion yet amidst it all it also has such a dark definition:

1.
a. To destroy completely.
b. To reduce to nonexistence.
c. To defeat decisively; vanquish.
2. To nullify or render void; abolish. (http://dictionary.reference.com/)

2004-01-09T12:44:00.000+11:00

I am not a lesbian!
This girl I befriended at school because she was all alone who turned out to be really boring, said to PP, a guy we talk to on the net, that I was a lesbian and that she was going to get me to take nude pictures of her. This astounded me fully as my friends know that I like dick too much to go for girls. Then he went on to tell me how she would show her pussy and all the rest to him with her webcam. Also, she masturbated for him via webcam. And he went on to tell me that she uses glow sticks for pleasure, you know the kind you get at raves! Pete lives in northern New South Wales. I can;t understand why one would want to show themselves sexually to someone they've only met on the internet. I understand that perhaps she really liked him but that would compel me to impress him, an easy girl is not impressive. Gosh she astounds me so! I thought she was a little mouse but now I know that she''s nothing but a dirty rat!
Hey, I wonder if she's told anyone else that I'm a lesbian?
I don't mind that she is labelling me as a lesbian but it's untrue so she is lying about me behind my back. I don't appreciate it.
I am going to have words with her at Tim's party.
See, Pete was her internet boyfriend, but little did he know that she has had multiple boyfriends whilst she has been chatting away to him.
Some people!

Still being a bum. I'm not doing anything constructive. For the past few days I haven't even been doing my homework. I think that's because I have almost finished it and I have issues with finishing things because I don't like them to end, or maybe it's because I don't know what I will do after I finish them. Gosh, I'm so insane that I contemplated repeating year eleven because I could've done better, even though I am in the top 10 for our year level out of like 150 students.
I know I should've achieved so much more in year eleven but I just cruised along without a care in the world as I had no goal, I didn't know where I was going.
Now I have a goal: to achieve an ENTER of 90 or above. Ms. Garvey said to me that, "Tara, year twelve will be the hardest year of your life but it will also be the most boring." I am going to prove her wrong I am going to make it fun, it won't be hard it will just require effort. I want to always put 100% into my life and year twelve is the year I have to start. Most people stop after that, which i swhy she says that it will the hardest as she tried hard then but not now.
Baby, I am off to bigger and better things.
Not sure what as yet, but it is still going to happen, as I will make it happen.

2004-01-08T23:21:00.000+11:00

I have been away, not having fun, if that's any consellation.
Unfortunately, I cannot yet get over François, no matter how much I will to do so he just waltzes in and appears so luminary in every aspect, I can't control myself. He's like a drug in that I am fine when I don't talk to him for a while until I get a whiff of his oh-so-sweet scent then I am an addict once again.
"I'm so addicted to this loving that you're feeding to me." -Mandy Moore
I AM ON THE YOUTH COUNCIL!
See I won't let anyone notice this but ever since November '02, I have been working my way into a spot on the council and all my hard work in Funship and Stuffest and all the extra work I do for Youth Services have paid off. I am ecstatic, though NO ONE knows it because I want to appear cool and composed, that I expected it all, like it was just the natural progress of things. But I am bouncing off the walls, jumping up and down and I was so shit scared that they'd reject me once again, that I was destined not to be on the council, no matter how much I wanted it.
I have a cool exterior, that is, I put across this image of a confident, verging on arrogant, individual who knows all she wants to know of this world and knows where she wants to go and how she will get there, a strong woman who won't let anyone or anything get in the way of her dreams.
SO NOT TRUE!
I am so scared of the world. I only have courage when it is forced upon me. I am the biggest try-hard to ever live, only I am trying so hard to be different. Sad really. No seriously, it makes me sad that my life is a lie that I am not myself ever.
At the moment I want to be an engineer, not sure what kind of engineer I want to be, perhaps electrical, chemical or environmental. I think it could be my ideal career as I am able to transfer easily and work in different fields, I could really enjoy its constant change.
I don't know. I dont have to do physics to apply still I think maybe I want to do physics because its interesting. I don't know and I want to know now. I know I don't have to know till late September but I still want to know now!
"Be realistic: demand the impossible" -Ernesto "Che" Guevara
The love that my father has for me is a superficial love and my step-mother Inbred (Ingrid) is of the Disney variety.
"Love me, Love me, say that you love me, hold me, hold me, say that you want me." -Leonardo's Bride
Please, dammit I don't want to conform to be a girl, but I want my knight in shining armour to whisk me off my feet and we can live happily ever after.
Shit, I'll settle for a fella that turns me on and makes me feel special.
Tara ~ François, I wish that was a link saying we were linked together forever, but really it's a wave that is unsettled and unpredictable that could lead me to sink and drown or it symbolizes the madness - the way he makes me feel and the intangible relationship in my head - it must be madness!

2003-12-17T12:04:00.000+11:00

"Love, if you ever find me, I wonder will you try me? I am so different than before."-Rosey
Why is it that I am so easily influenced by my emotions?
I want to skip going to my Presentation Evening rehearsal just in case François comes on line, which is highly likely as he usually comes on late at night.
There is method to my madness though. I want to talk to him because this may be the last time before I go away in two days. Is it really that important to go to the rehearsal?
I think not. Especially since we are suppose to get there a half an hour early before the evening even starts. I can always claim that I was busy.
Grr! Dad still hasn't messaged me back about whether he knows what time it starts and who is coming? Grr!
Matisse is so brilliant!
Heck, he's french.
One of my favourite movies is Amelie.
That's french.
I like François.
He's french.
It's the French revolution all over again in my head!

2003-12-17T00:16:00.000+11:00

See, this is just a sketch of a hip-hop song I'm writing, I just started writing it, don't bag it, it's a work in progress. I don't take kindly to hip-hop yet I am writing a hip-hop song, go figure!

Sometimes I've just got to runaway and hide from all the madness and sadness
No I can't stand the friction between me and you, my people around me
Chances are nobody really cares 'bout nobody else but themselves, no one
We try everyday to find the reasons why we're like this, we go unanswered
But see you and me, we are lost alone, floating in space, just darkness
Is it true? Is the human race a lost cause? Me and you, don't we have no hope?
See together, my fella, united, we can do this, fight the fight to win our lives
See together, we have one cause, one cardinal trait, we want to live
At the moment, my fella, we have lost our hope, we've forgot the cause
Everyday my heart is saddened, it sink so low, from what I see
I see billions of people living, yet hollow of life, just suffering twenty-four seven
Now see, what I don't understand, you and me, my fella, we change this
See, you and me, we can make a difference, we can turn the world upside-down

It's a bit gay - for want of a better word - but it's just a basis to a work of art!
DONT DISS IT!

2003-12-16T23:31:00.000+11:00

"Don't be confused by my apparent lack of ceremony,
my mind is clear.
I may be low or miles high off in the distance,
I want you near.

I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
When I close my eyes you're everywhere.
and if they take me flying on the magic carpet,
see me wave.
if our communication fails I'll reconnect it,
I want to rave.

I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
when i close my eyes you're everywhere.
no matter where the road is leading us remember don't be afraid.
we have a continent that sometimes comes between us, that's ok.

I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
when I close my eyes you're everywhere. "
- Leonardo's Bride
It's the way I feel about François, I just can't stop thinking of him. It's funny because the lines really should read "I love you, even when you're sleeping" due our time differences. I'm not so sure that love is the right word, at the moment it is too strong, but if he let me I could fall in love with him so easily. But is this the way he feels? That question still remains unanswered. Why, you may ask? Because I haven't talked to him enough to know if he does take me seriously or as just a little fun. I haven't talked to him enough not only because of our time differences but also because he has a big exam on Tuesday (Montreal timewise) and he's been studying frivorlously.
I do think that he does like me as much as I like him and that my doubts are fuelled by my insecurities.
I don't believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. I believe in life's little signs that 'appear' when you may have 'lost your way' to help guide to the right path.
When I initially informed Simon of François one of the first things he said to me is "You'll marry him Tara." Just like that; out of the blue. I hadn't even said much. It was crazy it was like...magic! (I love 'Sleepless in Seattle.')
I am feeling a lot happier now, much of that happiness is owed to Simon, a true, dependable friend. My head is screwed back on and as tight as ever.
I am now determined to succeed no matter the negativity that may surround me.
There is no room in my life for negative people.
I don't need people who are negative and don't support me.

"Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly,
It's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure from all the pain
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is?

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, oh no
'Cause you are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes
And everywhere we go,
The sun will always shine
And tomorrow we might
Awake on the other side

'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, no no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So, don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today."
- Christina Aguilera

It's amazing the sensation you get when you hear a song where the artist is singing what you are feeling. "Beautiful" is a 'keep me strong' kind of song. I know she like pop and all, but I like it.
Then again, I do have the most diverse taste in music. It ranges from: Christina Aguilera to Billie Holiday, The Clash to The Dixie Chicks, Nirvana to Regurgitator, Powderfinger to The White Stripes, Linkin Park to Tracy Chapman, Elton John to Alanis Morissette, Hole to Elton John, The BeeGee's to Ben Harper, The Smashing Pumpkins to Lenny Kravitz, Sound Garden to Natalie Imbruglia, The Vines to Steve Grace, the list is infinate! I like just about anything that has a meaning that I can respect.Music is more so a companion to me than an idle form of entertainment.

I went from falling in love with François, to my self-motivating session, then to my musical taste. How do I get so easily side-tracked?

I think that if François were to read all my blog posts thenhe would know the extent to which I love to write.

I love everyone who reads this, that is, if anyone is reading this. Are you reading this?

2003-12-16T21:13:00.000+11:00

I want to go somewhere completely new, with no reminders, and start afresh.
I want a white canvas so I can paint my scene, the way I want it.
I am blessed to have Simon, to know that he cares, for him to show me that somewhere, someone amongst the billions of hollow bodies one cares.
He sent me a photo of a bunch of roses whilst consoling me on messenger, that is just too sweet!
François, well, I am so apprehensive about François.
I mean, gosh, I really like him but heck I don't really know how he feels about me. I don't know if he is taking this internet 'frienship perhaps more' seriously. He is 24. He could get a girl older than me. I'm sure. He's just so perfect. So suave.
People don't treat me right yet it is still my velleity to have them around.

2003-12-16T20:28:00.000+11:00

"Not many people like you Tara, you should've learnt that by now."
That's what a supposed friend said to me when I told her I was offende that she didn't invite me when her and all the others went out.
If I wasn't strong, I'd take a knive to my wrists right now.
I can't believe she said that! She knows everything I've gone through with my mother, how scarred I am then she goes and says such cruel things.
Damn these tears that stream down my face!
Why do I have to feel such immense pain all the time?

2003-12-16T16:54:00.000+11:00

"No roots to keep her strong."
An awful feeling is when your family doesn't want you around.
Amy, my older sister, invited me and Tim, my younger brother, to her friends end-of-year-12/birthday party. Now she has decided that she doesn't want me to go. She says that I am bad drunk. She's seen me drunk twice. The first time was at her 18th, where I got upset because she thought I was slutting on to all her male friends when in actuality they were slutting on to me. I think that deep down she knew it was them not me just that she didn't like me getting the attention. The second time, she was wasted, I was barely tipsy. She started ordering me to this and that yelling at me so I told her to get fucked and she can stop drinking the alcohol I paid for.
That is me being a "bad drunk."
But hey my 15 year old brother is allowed to go because he just gets paraletic!
I am going to my Dad's for Christmas because I have no choice. Truly he doesn't want us there he just feels like he should. Lets not forget to mention my step-mum of the Disney variety - evil - absolutely despises us 'kids'. Amy and Tim will avoid me the whole time, going off places without me, leaving me with my annoying brat half-sister, Jemima.
I really don't have a family.
I try so hard to make it work, to make them happy, but I think that's just it I try so hard to make it work and get upset when they don't care about me, but then I decide to be the one not to care I'm selfish.
"Give your life and invariably they leave you with nothing."
I will finish year 12 next year and move somewhere far away, go to uni and get a job where I earn lots of money and get to travel.
"Why not leave, why not go away?"I'll look for a place where I belong, I "will find my place in the sun."
*All quotes taken from "She's got her ticket" by Tracy Chapman

2003-12-14T23:26:00.000+11:00

"The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them." - Bertrand Russel
My mother, to an extent, created me.
Allegedly, God (Christian God) created man.
God wishes for man to worship him, obey him and be thankful to him.
My mother also thinks this.
Since I 'left' her she eggs on at me that the reason why I am such a great person is because of her. I believe this to be an absolute load of shite. I am who I am because of me. I make my decisions in my life, I chose what I think and do.
Since she wants to take credit for my life, then she has to take credit for the bad things I've done too. When I kicked Jamie Tucker in the balls when I was 12 and gave him a testicle retrieval operation, well that was because of my mother.
She wants to take credit for me, for the result of her actions, so she should take credit for all the further actions she has directed at/for me.
Like when she had pawned my CD's and DVD player and said she was getting them back and didn't because she was to drunk, I got upset with her. So she sent profanities my way. She made it clear to me that she believed I should be grateful to her for my life. That upset me. I should be grateful for moments like these? For all the scars I have? That's an absolute load of shite. That pisses her off when I'm not worshipping her, thanking her and obeying her every command. She threw the tissue box at me. I threw it back. She has no right to do that. But then again if I believed what she said, she is my mother and I should 'respect' her - in other words, blindly follow her. She has no right to do that. She felt she had every right to do whatever the fuck she wanted to me. So she threw a glass at my head. I ducked. It smashed against the window behind me. She didn't give up. She threw another at my face this time. So I put my arm up to block it. I didn't realise it had actually hit me till I saw the shattered glass all over me. Then I looked at my elbow where the glass had impacted me, which I only knew from the shooting pain sprouting from there. The glass punctured through my school shirt. I took it out and looked at her. A moment later my arm had a tingling sensation and when I looked at my elbow again my beautiful white school shirt was stained all scarlet. Fuck. I can't believe she did that. Her boyfriend came and yelled at her. "You fucking crazy bitch, she's your fucking daughter, you're suppose to protect her, you insane cow." By then the blood was dripping onto my skirt. I didn't actually show him. I couldn't she warned me she'd do worse if I did. All I could do was sit there and uncontrollably cry and tremor. She sat there with a smirk on her face. I didn't even try to stop him when he put his hands around her throat. I had prevented too many guys hurting her and got hurt in the process. She deserved more. He had power over her. I felt safe. Like finally someone was protecting me from harms way. I wasn't scared anymore. I told him that she was five years older than what she said she was and that she had two more kids that had left her. I wasn't scared of her anymore. How niave was I. He left soon after, disgusted with her, vowing to come back and check up on me soon. She didn't learn from that. She swore and cursed me to her hearts fullest content. I tried to block her out with my refuge the TV. Next then I knew she came from nowhere and punched me in the head and ripped my to the floor by my hair, dragging my to the door, telling me to "fuck off." I was in utter shock. As soon as I regained control of my senses I pulled at her ankle to she fell. She still had the audacity to try and get up and at me again so I pushed her down. "Fuck off." I was scared now. Shaun came back. I was little and shaking now. He asked what had happened. I couldn't say. I don't want anymore. He yelled at her and asked me again. I felt protected again. I told him. "You sick bitch." He left to call the cops. I ran to my room and locked the door in an attempt to escape the madness. She came though. Now she said she was sorry but still was abusive. She retreated from my unmoved silence eventually. I grabbed some things and waited for Shaun in the lounge. I heard her move. I hid in the small gap between the couch and the wall. I hoped she wouldn't find me. Shaun came back. Took me next door. The police said they'd come get me and take me to Amy and Tim's house. We went back to grab some clothes. She was moaning, playing the victim. Shaun went to see what was up. She had OD. He called an ambulance. She wanted to be the victim. She wanted the attention. I didn't want the attention.
Punch Drunk Love.

2003-12-14T04:59:00.000+11:00

2003-12-14T04:58:00.000+11:00

Bertrand Russel Quotes

2003-12-14T03:49:00.000+11:00

I succumb to paranoia everyday and yet I don't learn. Why do I let it get the better of me?
François is perfect for me. Still, my paranoia told me that he wouldn't like me because he's 24 and I'm only 16. So I wrote him an email, then after he replied I wrote him another, and I just sound weird now. He reassured me that he still liked me, yet I still feel the need to prove myself to him.
I think I sound 'weird' because before I had nothing at risk, I was, in a way, acting. See, really I was me, only I was eighteen so it wasn't me. I was pretending to be someone else. Acting is easy but now I am faced with reality and I am scared. I am scared he won't like me as much.